my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I don't deserve a penis
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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