I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
