insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So much Jack, so little girl.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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