Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
