oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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