How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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