If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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