How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
