So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
