the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
