census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
