highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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