I molested 6 butterflies tonight
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Randomize
