I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
