Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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