I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
