Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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