Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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