Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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