hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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