nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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