all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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