I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
