I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
