the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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