So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
