i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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