4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We won't sleep together?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
