no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Randomize
