Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
