Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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