Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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