I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
