last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
