My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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