So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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