I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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