I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
