i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My feet surprised me
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
