Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
