I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
