I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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