I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
