Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
