he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
