I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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