Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
