i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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