Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
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I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
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He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
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