I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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