Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
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