$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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