She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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