So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
