drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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