a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
