so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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