good thing vaginas are great cup holders
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
