It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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