i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so that wasnt chicken after all
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
