I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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