the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
