Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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