She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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