I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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